Here's what nearly disappeared, for what it's worth

Tilda Moose's Wall 
musings, grumblings, ravings, mumblings

10/12/2023

Time between relapses is increasing. The problem is falling away, but there's still much work to do. I still have a physical addiction to alcohol, and as long as I don't hide away from society with the stigma of it, I can get more and more help. Clearly to me, the fellowship aspect of recovery is likely the required magic.

Getting out of this chronic social vacuum is key. Just taking a load of recycling to the dump and clearing up around the house today, has been a good stasis breaker.

I hope that if I can practice writing from the heart, starting with the crap I'm trying to overcome, good stories might follow. I'd rather impress than distress you, dear reader.

I'm reminded of Buddhist advice on suffering. It can occur when one expects more of the world than it can actually deliver. So let's rein in our expectations to sensible levels.

I endorse the sentiments of renowned Buddhist nun, Ven. Robina Courtin: jazz music is a sanctuary! For all the profound peace and joy that arises from a good meditation, jazz for me has a tendency to address the complications and nuances of this earthly life, and puts the world to rights.

The looming Christmas period can be galling temptation for many alcoholics. Booze flowing freely, as if it were as abundant as water. It can be hard. Praying for those who seek permanent freedom from addictions. Those of us who cannot drink “normally” have to be on our guard.

Mat-Tilda Moose
@MattMoose@mastodon.world


1/12/2023

Edge Cases and Recovery

Today has so far included getting the van chassis repair re-inspected and passed, petitioning DVSA/DVLA to find out where the hell I am with the tax (their correspondence doesn't deal clearly enough with just-in-time edge cases), three trips to 2 post offices, a spontaneous emotional breakdown driving home, and bunkering up in my study with a nice cup of tea, with the heating on strategically (heat one room and keep the others at minimum) for the rest of the day.

Looking forward to going to a new (for me) local AA meeting tonight. I'm doing well at the moment, and not drinking on the same old things that used to trigger me. My prayer to live a life that needs no such escapism is hopefully coming true. I need more people I can speak to when times get rough, as I currently live alone in a hard social vacuum. This is a chronic state I'm seeking to dissolve.

What I like about blogging right now is that it clears the mind, revealing possibilities previously obscured by cluttered thoughts and emotions.

Mat-Tilda Moose
@MattMoose@mastodon.world



30/11/2023

Transit Van Repairs

Waiting in my freezing cold van for the welding guy to show up. Chassis needs a hole patching up, then retesting ASAP before the MOT fail I've just paid for is ten working days old.

Don't want to run the engine too much as it's a stinky old diesel that still passes the emissions test, but I'd rather burn calories than create more CO2 etc just for my cold knees.

The next step after this chassis rail patch will be getting the underside cleaned up and sealed, in the hope of arresting the decay that plagues Ford Transit vans of this type and age. Then it'll be worth tackling the arguably lesser problems of leaking door seals, drippy roof light, rust spots, etc.

I bought a nail on the cheap during the latter part of lockdown, and am getting it done up as fast as I can afford to. I'd rather pay menders than a seller, following somewhat in dad's footsteps, having grown up in his garage.

I rail against design for the dump, and fight it where I can. Plus it's quite an adventure finding new local autocrafts practitioners, as well as learning more about the old bangers I tend to gravitate towards. 

Mat-Tilda Moose
@MattMoose@mastodon.world

 
28/11/2023

Transcending Addictions

I want to stay sober!

It's dawning on me that I should open up publicly about my addictions, in order to get them behind me for good.

I fell into addictive behaviour over decades of practice. Now it feels like an identity as much as an embarrassing prop.

My excuse is that the world I find myself in is hostile, alienating, uncaring, too demanding... so why shouldn't I take the edge off that somehow?

What's clear is that there's so much work I need to do. We know from the successes of Alcoholics Anonymous that helping others stay sober is helpful for the recovering addict; keeping sober by helping others stay sober, and patiently and forgivingly helping up those who fall again and again until their internal compass points truer for longer.

I've felt glimmers of hope from this process. Stabilising the practice is not yet with me. I've always lived in a vacuum; learnt to be alone from a young age and kinda stayed there. Easier to remain out of sight and numb. But I'm paying too high a price.

My ambition is to have a lifestyle that's so compellingly enjoyable and worthwhile, that it dwarfs all triggers to go and drink or smoke.

I also take note of something mentioned in the good old AA Big Book, basically the idea that the alcoholic often seeks a way above-average connection with spirit, holiness, truth, divinity, etc. which mundane life cannot deliver. Well, I think I'm that type.

I pray that we may all be free of the chains of our past, free of the habits that no longer support us, and fully engaged as loving caring members of the same spiritual family. Amen.

Mat-Tilda Moose
@MattMoose@mastodon.world

 

27/11/2023

Hopes for art and music

Inspiration strikes me, I line up project materials, then they too often sit and gather dust while I'm getting brain highs from secondary gains elsewhere. I've had a lifetime of something like ADHD, certainly a track record of procrastination and of putting blocks in my own way. I don't know if this is a trauma response, but it would be so good to lose it and find more productive ways to flow through life.

Meanwhile, waiting in the wings here are various glacially slow developments:

Bass recorder: live improvisational skills Ableton DAW: general song sketching Focusrite preamp and good microphone: want to get reading, singing etc. 5-string bass guitar: building familiarity 4-string bass guitar (left handed): restoration for a friend Various electric/acoustic guitar repairs for daughter's collection WS2812B 'neopixel' RGB LEDs: wonderful eye candy Huge sketch book and easel: something like a daily art therapy habit Three 1980s classic synths: live and sequenced performance

Mat-Tilda Moose
@MattMoose@mastodon.world



27/11/2023

It's been a harrowing day. Took my third and final weekly dose of BCG immunotherapy for my bladder this morning, and the bleeding and cystitis have mercifully ground to a halt 12 hours later. 6 months of peace until the next round. I hope to God it's doing some good.

This lark really rubs your nose right into the fact of our mortality. I'm going to die anyway, of this or of something else. Meanwhile, I wrestle with the mental gymnastics of trying to cling to happiness (proven folly!), or at least to some calm detachment (arguably better documented, and cheaper).

I think of my teenager and I'm back to crying hopelessly. So much love for them, so little chance to express it. What a world to drop them into, and what a mess for them to see me in. What have I done?

This current brush with cancer has mostly cancelled what were my lifelong ambitions, or rather contracted them into more urgent projects if possibly achievable at all.

I have occasional high hopes for my blogging attempts though. Having scattered numerous startup blogs over the years across several disparate servers, the current draft is always my shot at sharing my experiences with anyone who'd read them. Maybe I'll pull everything I've written together one day.

It's been heartening to receive supportive feedback recently from more established writers, about my lifelong “who cares?” shutdown problem. Basically, I've always had a heart and mind full of crazy poetic, musical, scientific, romantic, comical inventiveness, which could never find a marketable means of expression. They said just do it for you, nobody else. So I'm working on it.

It will be a major milestone achievement for me shortly, to prove that I can correctly power and control a couple of metres of RGB LED lighting, to serve as both room illumination and as some kind of artwork. I've always loved putting technology to uplifting uses.

Mat-Tilda Moose
@MattMoose@mastodon.world

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